New and Nine.

New and Nine.

I have a few drafts sitting here about the start of school, visitation with M and her Dad, and the daily adventures in parenting R. But this one I managed to put together. Sticking to your guns as a person who rather smooth things over is tough. Yet, this seems the prudent, right, best thing this year:

Dear H,

Today is the last day you get to be 8 years old. Tomorrow you turn 9. I have an inkling this is gong to be a big year for you. Things you’ve been waiting for are close.

We are still living in the aftermath of this summer. Honestly, the build up kind of happened every time your mom traveled this year. She thinks it has to do with Dad’s behavior. He thinks it has to do with Mom’s. I think anxiety and unknowns can make people act in a way that lacks compassion. Your parents are still working out what a new world will look like going forward. It is a problem that needs to be resolved.

Last weekend, your mom reached out about your birthday party. Last minute, because of all the issues, she invited us to your home with some of your friends to watch a movie and eat pizza. I told her then, Dad and I would have to think about it. Logistics, obligations, and the current climate of everything had me thinking this was bad news.

A long time ago, your mom decided that having both parents there for big things was important. She is right. We all should be there to support you. And the events there is only one chance to attend– we come to, H. If we know about it, we come. School assemblies, awards, big things at church, your extracurricular activities, etc. Your birthday, while immeasurably special, isn’t a thing we all need to do together. We’ve figured out how to do that all your previous birthdays to keep the peace. Your Mom has determined that it is a thing we should do together and it is all you have known. Yet, the fact is, it is not actually a thing we need to all do together. You can celebrate with your Mom and her people. And with Dad and his people.I mean, honestly, I like going to your friends party honestly because I get a peek at who makes up the other half of your life. I enjoy that and I appreciate that your Mom includes us all. But this just is not the year we should be in the same room after a long day at your home, sweetheart.

This year is just different. Different does not mean sub-par or lacking love or any of the tiny boxes we shove uncertainty into. I honestly believe, in the long run, for your best interest, that Daddy, your sisters, and I should sit this party out. We shouldn’t be in your home right now. Your mom is having a party at someplace far from neutral in the middle of some big conflicts. Conflicts that will be worked out, but overlap on the day you end your eight rotation around the sun and begin your ninth. Which kind of, well, sucks.

It is important that Dad and Mom (and me) do what we individually think is the best thing for you. I think that you know having everyone there is important to Mom. And I think you don’t want to see her upset or sad. And I think that’s why your conversations about your birthday with her are different than the ones we had. I think we all occasionally do things to help save mom unpleasantness. You most definitely are a kid who likes to keep the boat holding other people’s emotions steady. You do it here. I’m sure that part of you exists at home as well. It is okay to rock the boat here and there. It takes a little courage. I know because that is what not attending this birthday party means. We are shaking the shit out of the boat. It is a little scary not knowing what will shake out of it.

This is what I hope will happen, H. That your Mom will realize that she can’t define every aspect of your best interest on her own terms. That being in the same room together where your mom has no respect to Dad’s boundaries, personal property or feelings is a bad idea after drop off Tuesday. We can’t show up for you the right way with Mom there right now. We can’t be genuine and ourselves. There is no neutral ground at your home.

This year, what we think is best for H, is that we push for something better and more defined. Nothing will change if Dad and Mom don’t work out some issues. Nothing will change if there aren’t natural consequences to the events of this summer. Dad and I being completely upset over you attending a graduate course with your Mom instead of here with us as we agreed to and planned for is a big deal. We don’t think it was what was best for you. And we did not have any say in the whole thing.

This year, you’ll have two parties. It’ll be different. Our choice to not come can be perceived many different ways. I promise you it is exactly like we talked about Sunday. We love you. But coming out after school on Friday and leaving late with your little sisters is a lot to ask. Being in the room with your Mom will so much unpleasantness and unfinished business is a lot to ask. And then her opening your Dad’s car door to finish a conversation, well, it just seems like it is too much for everyone to be expected to behave. It is in no ones best interest this year to show up to just prove we can. That seems unauthentic. That seems that sweeping everything under a rug. That seems like there is no fall out for your mom’s choices and we are just okay with what happened. Showing up the way always have… can’t happen. It is not the way it has always been. Change is coming.

Turning nine is abundantly special. We will celebrate your big day with Dad’s family and your sisters because turning nine is special. Because we love you. Because you deserve to have a special day. We hope you have a great weekend with Mom and your friends. You deserve the best.

So much love, sweet girl.

– The Unofficial Step-mom.

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Bud & Roots

Bud & Roots

This one is just a re-post from my original blog:

 

Dear girls,

Here is the thing. A scary, but honest thing: I can not keep you safe from life. Life is a place where both good and bad things happen.

Everyday. Every single day. I worry about this. About which of the many bad things will happen to you.

Some will be a choice. You could cross the street without looking both ways. Drink too much and try to drive home. Overdose because you decided to try drugs and find you just can not stop. You may decide to take something that does not belong to you. Instead of trying and accepting you might fail– you could choose to cheat. You may love someone who, at the end of the day, is not right for you. You could choose to stay with them and live a half life. You could choose to leave them and start over. Each and every time you make a decision in life there will be consequences. Some of the best things in your life will come of it… and sadly, some of the worst.

Some will not be entirely in your control. There are natural disasters that could impact you… hurricane, tornado, flood. Some disease-I-won’t-be-able-to-pronounce might riddle your body. Your genetic make up might lead to a struggle with mental illness. Mauled by an animal. (Listen, shark attacks happen. We’ll watch Jaws together one day.) Sucked away in a rip tide. Honestly, I can keep going, but I think you get the point.

Sometimes you will be victimized. You’ll be an unfortunate part of someone else’s decisions. A victim of credit card fraud or identity theft. Someone will demean you and call you a names. It might be posted on social media. You could be mugged. Kidnapped. Stabbed. Shot. Raped. Blown up.

You could get away from me for a split second and climb into a Gorilla enclosure at the zoo. You could go wading on vacation and be snatched away by an alligator. You could decide to go swimming without a grownup and drown alone in a pool. You could grow up on me and die in a club in Orlando dancing with your friends because someone decided it was a good place to have a mass shooting.

This list is endless girls. I can go on and on with pages of worrisome things. All because bad things can happen to good people. Sometimes you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes life is terribly frightening and sad.

I, like all of us, worry every day about which of these things will find you in life. About this world I brought you into. Did I do a terrible thing by bringing you into such a volatile and ever changing place?

I sit with my friends and we ask: What do we do? How did we get here? How do we fix this?

I don’t know. There is inherent brokenness in this world. But when you don’t know the whole answer to something, the best thing to do it to start with what you do know:

  1. I will love you through all of it. Whether I’m around to see it or not– my love for you is infallible. You will not understand the depths of it until you become a parent.
  2. You have the power to make good choices. It is a mighty gift. Don’t neglect it.
  3. You don’t have to believe anyone else’s definition of your story. People will assign you adjectives (nice girl, total bitch, scatterbrain, lesbian, slut, pushover). You might be those things… but that’s not all of you. Don’t get hung up on labels. Just like you will change and grow through life– so will all the tiny boxes other people try to stick you in.
  4. Do your best. That will be different each time it is asked of you. You can’t do more than that.
  5. Solve one problem at a time. One minute at a time. Eventually enough solutions and time will pass and you’ll be out of the weeds.
  6. There is something bigger than us in life. Some call it God or Spirit. There are so many lives busy living in this world these days… it is hard to find it in the din. But there is something there. You will have to find the place where you feel it. It may be church, a mosque or a temple. It may be sitting in the trees. You might meditate and hear a voice that speaks to you. You might have the sight to see a world beyond this one.  Whatever we put out in the world, it builds on. Put out your very best, be the good, share your love, whisper it your deepest wish… and the universe will answer. Not always immediately or in the way you think… but it answers. When you realize it, you’ll be humbled and amazed.
  7. Human rights are universal. Some of us are still fighting for this very basic thing. But your gender, who you love, your skin color, where you find God… those are the things that make us interesting and diverse. Not what determines your legal rights or value as a person.
  8. You can disagree, you can have enemies, you can fight for things you believe in, but darlings, you have to afford the same privilege to those on the other side of the fence. Listening to those views that you oppose will result in either understanding or further conviction.
  9. Both good and bad things will happen in life. Each is an opportunity. Learn from it all.

These are the few things I think are true. If we start with the basics and keep moving forward, we’ll end up somewhere. Because I don’t know the answer to that question:

What do we do?

Are we too politically correct? Not enough? Do we need stricter gun laws? More gun education? How much value is there to “saying it it like it is”? Diplomacy? Getting back to nature? Limiting screen time? Examining the media? Revealing government corruption? How do I stop you from picking up a gun and deciding to shoot another human? How do I protect you from someone else who does that very thing?

I don’t know the answer girls. I’m working on it. Most of the moms I know are. You’re too little to know it, but I don’t lose myself in the movie theater anymore. I’m looking at the people we share that space with and where the exits are. I want you see the fireworks this 4th of July, but I’m scared to have you congregate in such a public, open place where everyone will be an easy target. I am sad and angry that you have shelter in place drills in your elementary school. That you hide beneath your teacher’s desk and barricade your classroom door. I see you watching the news with me in the morning… wondering why there are so many terrible things on it. I often find a way to answer your questions, but that one has me at a lost.

So, I’ll start with what I know. We can’t stop living. We can hope for the best. We can do what we can to make the world a safer, nicer, kinder place. We can love. We can hope. (It is worth saying hope twice.) We can be these these things the world needs. We can whisper these good things to the universe and see if we can heard above the din of everyday living.

Much love,

Mom